Life Lessons from PCD - "Don't Cha Wish...?"

This week on The Search for the New Pussycat Doll, I learned about “Persona”, which is different from “Confidence,” which the would-be dolls learned about last week as they faced the challenge of dancing provocatively inside glass boxes at a Dinner & Burlesque club. I’m not quite sure the precise essence of “Persona” as it applies here (it was easier back in the day when we had Sporty, Baby, Posh, Ginger and, and, what was the other Spice Girl’s name?! No matter. Now those girls had individual persona!) The Dolls, on the other hand, I confess that I’d never actually seen any of them nor do I have any real sense of them after 3 episodes of the show. Nor did I really know that they were the group who sang the songs “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?” and “Hot Stuff.” Again, it was easier back in the day of the Spice Girls when my neighborhood bodega carried Spice Pops adorned with the images of those saucy sirens of song from the UK and I could catch "Spiceworld" at the Chelsea Clearview with my gay pals, fag hags and an odd assortment of trench-coat-clad middle aged single men.

Are makeovers the stuff of which Persona is made? As far as reality TV makeover episodes, the Doll contestants' trip to group creator, Robin’s brother’s salon doesn’t even merit a blip. Give me a wanna be Top Model weeping over her Rosemary’s Baby pixie cut or achingly painful weave any day.

Perhaps Persona has to do with how well you can follow the vocal coaching guidance of middle aged Jewish record executives as they talk you through the nuanced art of sass-singing “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” into a recording studio mic.

It was difficult for former fattie, Chelsea, this week. She’s got the least dance training of any of the other girls’ and that mean, lean, strutting faggot of a choreographer Mikey is just so damn hard on her when she doesn’t shake her ass on the right count or suck in her gut like the other girls. I’m glad that Mikey’s old enough to have seen “Showgirls” in order to have based His Persona on Monty, the carrot-topped drill sergeant of a choreographic associate played by Patrick Bristo (also of “Ellen” fame). Luckily for Chelsea, who’s task it was to perform “Heartbreaker” in her designated group (along with perpetually punky and dour Sisely – How’s that for Persona with a capital “P”?), she Popped, Performed and yes, had Persona and got to keep her boa (for now) by episode’s end.

I love what constitutes “A chance of a lifetime” on reality TV. And I love that I keep watching The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll. Subsequent episodes haven’t lived up to the frenzy of vomiting contenders in the series premiere (I’m convinced that my current hearing loss from a viral infection in my right ear is really the result of Karma coming around to kick my ass because I derived such devious joy laughing as the girls alternated from heaving and getting IV’s put in to giving their girl band best at the audition of a lifetime!).

I’m rooting for Mariella, the dancer with the weakest singing voice. Does she have persona? Yes. Is it Pussycat Doll, “I look like I work at Larry Flynt’s Hustler club but I’m really about female empowerment” Persona? Not sure. Stay tuned to find out.